He Said That Behind My Eyes, I'm Hiding
by RobieStorm
Summary: Harry sits on the Ledge of the Astronomy Tower, remembering events past, struggling with feelongs he never knew he had, and contemplating what to do next. *Strong Language,Suicidal Thoughts,and Heavy Angst.*
1. Prologue: One Last Breath

"One Last Breath" is copyright it's authors and is performed by the band Creed. It is a very good song and if you haven't heard it, I suggest you do. Ok, all the usual things. All characters and settings, save the ones you don't recognize, are copyright J.K. Rowling. This story contains both straight and slash situations and insinuated suicidal thoughts. Ok, I think that's all… on with the story.

**__**

One Last Breath

He sat, staring off into the darkening sky. He wondered to himself how exactly he had gotten where he was right now. He had always been so strong, so brave. The rock everyone depended on, especially his friends. So why, exactly, was it that he was now sitting on the ledge outside the Astronomy Tower, contemplating what he was going to do next.

__

Please come now,

I think I'm falling.

I'm holding to all I think is safe.

It seems I've found a road to nowhere,

And I'm trying to escape.

I yelled back when I heard thunder,

But, now I'm down to one last breath,

And with it let me say,

Let me say…

It was only sixth year, and he had survived so far, but he wasn't sure if he would make it to seventh. He had lost everything. Everything he had held so dear and considered a safety net was gone now. No matter how hard he tried to hold on, it was all slowly beginning to slip away, he was starting to slip away. He didn't know himself anymore. Was he still the same person he was yesterday? Or had he changed over night, the way everything seems to change? 

Scared and lonely tears began to fall from his eyes, like crystal raindrops from an emerald sky, and he longed to have a shoulder to cry on. He had no shoulder anymore, no loving arms to hold him, and no soothing voice to tell him it all would be alright. The only person he had to hold him was himself, and he slowly pulled his knees tight against his chest as slender arms came to hug them tightly.

__

Hold me now,

I'm six feet from the edge,

And I'm thinking,

Maybe six feet,

Ain't so far down…

Ever so slowly he moved to the edge of the broad overhang, looking down into the now moonlit courtyard below. A million thoughts were racing through his mind. Would it matter if he fell? Would anyone be at his side in the end? Would anyone miss him? These thoughts and many more tore at his ravaged brain. How had he let it come to this. He wrestled with memories of the past, wanting so much to just go back inside, but he knew he couldn't face the other students. Atop of all things, he was wondering if, by the end of tonight, The boy who lived would become the boy who died.

__

I'm looking down,

Now that it's over,

Reflecting on all of my mistakes.

I thought I found a road to somewhere,

Somewhere in his grace.

I cried out heaven save me,

But I'm down to one last breath,

And with it let me say,

Let me say…

He curled up into a small ball, tears now becoming uncontrollable. No matter what, he was alone, he was scared, and there was no one to blame but himself. Whether it be because of foolish pride, fear, or just sheer and utter stupidity, it was all his fault. That one thought echoed throughout his brain as the tears kept their steady flow. "All my fault… this is all my fault… this is all my fault…"

__

Hold me now,

I'm six feet from the edge,

And I'm thinking,

Maybe six feet,

Ain't so far down…

It was almost midnight now, and he shivered lightly against the cool autumn air. His crying had slowed to soft gasps, yet he still stayed in the fetal position, hugging his knees tightly. All he could think of now were the eyes of the ones he had hurt. Cho's eyes, Ron's eyes. Most of all Ron's eyes, those limpid pools of blue that held so much hurt. Those eyes he had betrayed. Those crying eyes were burned into his brain. Maybe if he apologized? No. How could there ever be any way to make up for what he'd done, what he'd said. Deep inside, a part of him still believed there was someway to fix things. Some way to take back what he'd said. To bring those crying eyes back to the sparkling, happy blue they had once been.

__

Sad eyes follow me,

But I still believe there's something left for me.

So please come stay with me,

'Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me.

"There's nothing left for me," His voice was surprisingly soft.

__

For you and me…

"How could I have been so stupid?" 

__

For you and me…

He slowly made his way back to the wall and sat against it. He looked at the edge, a mere six feet from where he sat, and then began to remember vividly what had happened in the past couple of years, and began to try and deal with feelings he hadn't even known he had.

__

Hold me now,

I'm six feet from the edge, and I'm thinking…


	2. Flashback: All or Nothing

"All Or Nothing" is copyright it's authors and is performed by the group O-Town. Despite the fact that it is performed by a media manufactured "Boy Band" it is still a very nice song with rather well written lyrics. I have, however changed a couple of lines and even removed one for continuity purposes. Alright, now for the usual disclaimers. This story contains suicidal thoughts, harsh words, extreme angst, and both str8 and slash situations. If you do not like any of these, please refrain from reading it. All characters and settings are copyright J.K. Rowling, save the ones you don't recognize. With that out of the way, on with the story…..

**__**

All Or Nothing

A quiet, moonlit spring night. He sat in the rose garden, awaiting Cho's arrival. It was nearing 10 O'clock, she was an hour late. With a sigh, the fifth year slowly stood and began towards the castle. He knew exactly where he'd find her.

She was where he knew she'd be. Sitting in the window sill of the Astronomy Tower, staring out into the dark. As he gently wrapped his arms about her shoulders from behind, she jumped, turning to look up at him with sad, vacant eyes.

__

I know when he's been on your mind,

That distant look is in your eyes.

I thought with time you'd realize,

It's over, 

Over.

It's not the way I choose to live,

And something some where's got to give,

As sharing this relationship gets older…

Older…

His voice was soft as he spoke to her, dazzling emerald hues meeting her sad, lonely gaze. "You're thinking about Cedric again, aren't you?"

She looked away at his words, suddenly not having the strength to meet his eyes. She fought desperately at the tears threatening to flow and the sobs trying to escape the confines of her chest. After a few moments, she regained her composure and managed a single, choked word. "Yes…"

His fists clenched at his sides so tightly that his knuckles turned white and blood trailed down his fingers from the half moon cute his fingernails had made in the soft flesh of his palm. He fought to contain himself. He wasn't sure if he was enraged, hurt, or what. All he knew is that he was sick of this.

__

You know I'd fight for you,

But how can I fight someone,

Who isn't even there?

I've had the rest of you,

Now I want the best of you.

I don't care if that's not fair…

His words were soft as he fought the strong pangs of jealousy that threatened to consume him. "I don't know if I can do this anymore, Cho. I mean… I have you, here, with me, in my arms, and you're always somewhere miles away. I feel like you're cheating on me. I've tried talking to you about it, and all I got was that you're sorry and that you were just thinking. He's gone Cho… Cedric is dead. He isn't coming back."

It was those last words that finally drove her over the edge, the flood gate breaking and tears spilling from her eyes. Harry was right, Cedric was gone forever, and something deep inside of her knew that, and longed to move on… but there was still that part of her that refused to let go. She was conflicted, and she didn't know how to handle it. "I… I know he's gone, Harry…. "

"Then why do you insist on doing this to me?! I have all of you but the one thing that I'm SUPPOSED to have! Your heart is off somewhere six feet under with Cedric!" :: yes, it may have been cold, but at this moment, he didn't care. Since a month after Cedric's death, he and Cho had been together. At the beginning, Harry knew it was going to take Cho some time to get over the fact that Ced was gone, but honestly, wasn't a year enough?

__

'Cause I want it all,

Or nothing at all.

There's nowhere left to fall,

When you reach the bottom.

It's now, or never.

Is it all,

Or are we just friends?

Is this how it ends?

You leave me here, 

With nothing at all.

"Harry, I… I'm sorry…. " She was shaking at the severity and harshness in his words. For her, it hadn't seemed like a day had passed since the last day of the Tri-Wizard Tournament, when Harry had brought Cedric's lifeless body back to the school. She couldn't help it really. Cedric had been her first real love, and that isn't something easily forgotten. This is not to say she didn't love Harry, but the first true love is the one that all other loves will be based on in the end. They are also the hardest to move on from.

At her words, he nearly growled. He was so sick of hearing those words come from her lips. His voice raised as anger consumed him. " Don't give me that tired bull. Honestly Cho, how sorry can one person be. It's all I ever hear from you. I'm the one that should be bloody sorry!! I mean, for crying out loud! I'm sharing you with a ghost. A MEMORY!" As he said this he turned her face to look at him, his fingers digging painfully into her chin. "Most of the time I keep my mouth shut, I hide it, but, it's killing me and I am REALLY beginning to tire of it! How long do you honestly think I am going to stick around when you treat me as if I don't even exist?!"

__

There are times it seems to me,

I'm sharing you with memories.

I feel it in my heart,

But I don't show it…

Show it..

And then there's times you look at me,

As though I'm all that you can see.

Those times, I don't believe it's right…

I know it… 

I know it….

She looked at him now, and it was quite clear by the look in her eyes that she did love him, and if Harry hadn't have been blinded by jealousy, anger, and, above all, pain, he would have seen that. "I… I'm sorry Harry… I… it won't happen anymore.. I promise. I love you, so much…" Her hand moved to gently touch his arm. "I never realized how much this was hurting you. P…Please.. Give me another chance…" she begged, completely willing to put all of her pain and conflict aside just to make him happy. She was willing to sacrifice her soul, heart, and quite possibly her mind, all for the sake of having him near.

" Don't make promises you can't keep Cho." and he pushed her trembling hand off of his arm. "I've given you chance after chance, all of them beginning with those words. Not once have you kept that promise to me. NOT ONCE!"

__

Don't make me promises,

You never did know how to keep them well.

I've had the rest of you,

Now I want the best of you.

It's time to show and tell….

"It'll be different this time Harry. I swear. I'll do anything. I really never meant to hurt you…." Fresh tears were streaming down her face now. She didn't want to lose someone else she loved so much. 

__

'Cause I want it all,

Or nothing at all.

There's nowhere left to fall,

When you reach the bottom.

It's now, or never.

Is it all,

Or not even friends?

Is this how it ends?

You leave me here, 

With nothing….

"Do you still love him Cho? Do you still love him the way you used to? And do you love me even remotely as much?" He looked at her intently. This was it. The deciding moment. It was time for her to lay all of her cards out on the table and see if she got the aces.

__

Cause you and I…

"W… what??" she looked into his eyes with hurt, shocked eyes. Was he really asking her to do this?

__

Could lose it all,

If you've got no more room…

"Do you still love Cedric like you used to?"

__

No Room inside…..

Her voice was a choked whisper as she looked down and uttered a single word. "Yes."

__

For me in your life….

He was expecting her to say that. Without a word, he began out of the astronomy tower, his hands clenched once more into bloody fists. He only stopped when he felt her gentle hand wrap around his forearm. His voice was a low growl as he spoke. "Let go of me…. "

__

Cause I want it all…

Or nothing at all…

There's nowhere left to fall…

It's now… or Never….

"Harry.. Wait…" her voice was pleading. "Please… don't leave me like this. Don't leave me here all alone…. I'm sorry… PLEASE!!!" Her words were choked sobs as she still clung tightly to his arm.

Is it all,

Or nothing at all?

There's nowhere left to fall,

When you reach the bottom..

It's now or never.

Is it all,

Or not even friends?

Is this how it ends?

And then he turned on her so ferociously that she stumbled backwards as he yanked his arm from her grasp. "DON'T EVER COME NEAR ME AGAIN! IT'S OVER!"

__

You leave me here…..

And with that, he left the astronomy tower, as Cho crumpled to the floor in tears. Everything she had just walked out the door, and she was powerless to stop it.

__

With nothing at all…


End file.
